John McCain Believes Election Day Matlock Marathon May Have Cost Him The Election

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Republican Presidential nominee John McCain, who recently lost the election to Democratic challenger Barack Obama, spoke candidly with the press after his defeat. McCain, whose campaign ceded traditionally Republican states like North Carolina and Indiana to the Democrats, believes that there may have been foul play involved in his 364-162 landslide electoral defeat.

McCain singled out an impromptu election day “Matlock Marathon” sponsored by the Obama campaign, as one of the dirty tricks that probably cost him the election. McCain believed that the all day airing of Matlock was responsible for only bringing an all time low of 4 % of voters in the 65 and above demographic out to the polls, who McCain referred to as the “bread, butter and applesauce” of his voting base.

“I am convinced that the Obama campaign was a campaign of dirty tricks, smoke and mirrors and an unfair exploitation of the elderly. Especially seen in this voting day incident with the TBS network. To dangle the impossibly enjoyable and thoroughly watchable Andy Griffith in all day marathon form, playing the best defense attorney ever to grace television screens, is really unfair. Because it is no secret that people with AARP cards cannot resist sitting down with a warm glass of milk to watch Matlock.” McCain then went on to say that if he wanted to play dirty himself, “He would have scheduled an all day marathon of ‘Carson Daly and Alf‘ to keep those young whippersnapper voters inside, but he did not want to resort to such underhanded ‘Obamaesque tactics.”

When asked if he believed that Sarah Palin may have also cost his campaign votes, McCain quickly responded, “Oh hell yeah, that was mistake numero uno. Wow, that cost me probably a third of the good ole’ boy GOPers. That’s the last time I let my wife pick my running mate.”

Detroit Lions Settle Into The Familiar Comforts Of Futility

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As the Detroit Lions fell to 0-9 on Sunday and passed the midway point of the season plagued in a yet another winless drought, analysts predicted that Lions players would begin turning on each other, creating an inescapable quagmire of negative emotions in the locker room. But when the media spoke with the players today, they received an unexpected response from the team, one of contentment.

“Man, it feels nice to pretty much be eliminated from playoff contention already,” Lions receiver Calvin Johnson said. “Because we’re almost at the point where games don’t mathematically contribute toward getting us into the playoffs, I’m getting ready to shut down actually trying to run actual pass routes and I’m staring to gear up for trying to make a bunch of one handed catches on passes that I could easily bring down with both hands. I’m basically just going to start building a highlight reel in the hopes that some other team sees me and signs me when I’m a free agent next year. It’s a really exciting time for me and my agent right now. When I go to sleep at night, I close my eyes and picture teams with real offenses and pro-bowl quaterbacks who might sign me, like the Colts or the Eagles,” Johnson confessed to the press.

Quarterback Dan Orlovsky echoed the sentiment when he spoke with reporters. “I’ve had a lot of anxiety issues and panic attacks since I was a kid, so playing for a team that will never flirt with having a game televised outside of the greater Detroit area is really nice, because there is really nothing to be nervous about. Like just the other day, I accidentally ran out of the back of our endzone, giving the other team a safety. And even though the Lions fans were booing me, I could tell it wasn’t the bad kind of booing, it was more like the kind of booing that is founded in the type of disappointment you have when your dog eats garbage or when you lose your grocery money at a casino playing black jack.”

Editorial: Look, When I Said “Let’s Go Explore This Cave,” I Was Obviously Unaware That It Would Be Infested With Cave Creatures

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I know I’ve made some mistakes with our past vacations. Our honeymoon in Sri Lanka was ill informed, I’ll admit. It sounded exotic and who was to know the country had the lowest per captia per person in like the entire world. You said you had gotten over being mobbed by all those street kids, so I thought we moved past that one. And that spring vacation in Waco, Texas? They had cheap hotels and good weather, which probably should have clued me in to the fact that it was a haven for unstable people. But being held against our will by that cult for fifty-two days made for some pretty good stories to tell our families at Christmas time, did it not?

So, as we currently find ourselves trapped in this elaborate and dark cave system, being pursued by pale, cave creatures who have demonstrated an apparent taste for humans after eating our bumbling guide Renaldo, I have this sinking suspicion that you’re going to blame me for this situation. I can’t see much, but from what I can make out of your facial expression with the tiny flash light we are using as a light source, you have that “this is all your fault we’re going to be eaten by cave creatures” expression on your face. But let me make a few points in my defense.

Yes, it was probably not wise to explore a cave system that the locals had named “Las cuevas de la muerte,” but Renaldo (who I’m starting to think was not the experienced cave guide he talked himself up to be) didn’t manage tell me that the translation meant “The Caves of Death” until after he had charged my credit card for the tour.

So let’s be fair, how could I have possibly known that this cave system would be infested with man eating cave creatures? I really couldn’t have foreseen this. The travel guide said nothing about deadly cave systems we should avoid while traveling in Paraguay and this certainly wasn’t on any of the episodes of Planet Earth that I watched, so you really can’t steer the blame my way.

We both inherited this rather unfortunate situation, so let’s try to make the best of it. I’ll agree to stop hording all the remaining Saltines we have, if you agree to stop murmuring “I’m so going to divorce you Jared” under your breath. Deal?

Good, now let’s just wait it out until the extremely efficient and punctual police force of Paraguay come looking for the lost tourists trapped in their elaborate and deadly cave system. I’m optimistic they’ll be here within the hour.

Fear Of Eagles Remains Number One Excuse For Not Climbing Ladders

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A recent study by Newsweek Magazine revealed that most Americans avoid climbing ladders because of a fear of Eagles, not because they are afraid of falling and hurting themselves from elevated heights.

The rather surprisingly results came from a study which sought to profile reasons for why Americans avoid climbing ladders to do yard work, even when they don’t have a fear of heights. Expecting some eccentric answers, Newsweek did not expect to receive such outlandish quips for their survey. But the participants of the study are adamant that their answers are both truthful and justifiable.

“Man, Eagles are pretty scary. Have you seen that video where that eagle throws a goat off of a cliff?” Joliet local Ted Schuster said in an attempt to justify his Eagle based fear of climbing ladders. “That was some messed up stuff, man. I don’t know if that goat had been spreading rumors about the eagle or what, but the eagle just straight up tossed him off a mountain, like executioner style,” he continued in his retelling of the tale. “I used to think I was safe in the suburbs, but now, it’s like the Amazon out here, man, it’s dangerous.”

“We lost an employee that way,” Scahumburg Cineplex manager Todd Petchmo explained. “Poor Joey Potts went up on a ladder to change the marquee for the new movies and then he was gone. People say an ambitious and girthy eagle just picked that boy up and fled off into the night…Of course there was another rumor that Joey was a meth addict and that he stole some of the letters off the marquee to buy drugs. Either way, I won’t go up to change marquee anymore and I can’t in good conscience send anyone up there. So, it just stays the same. We get new movies ever week, but the marquee still says Miss Congeniality, and that movie came out like in 2000. You might think I’m a fool, but you won’t be thinking that when you are being being carried off by the constricting embrace of an eagle’s talons, never to be seen by family or friends again.”

The complete list for why Americans Fear Ladders is available below.

Americans Top Ten Reasons For Avoiding Ladders:
1. Fear of Eagles
2. Not Wanting to Clear Empty Beer Bottles Off Roof
3. The Embarrassment of Having a Video of You Falling Off a Ladder Posted on Youtube
4. The Physical Pain Associated with Having a Video of You Falling Off A Ladder Posted on Youtube
5. Territorial Squirrels
6. Low Flying Hang Gliders
7. The Possibility of Having to Converse With Your Neighbors With No Reasonable Route of Escape
8. Having a Hobo/Green Peace Representative Set Up Shop at The Base of the Ladder While You Are Still at the Top
9. Inability to Text Efficiently While Climbing Ladders
10. Fear That a Rise in Ladder Related Accidents Will Influence M. Night Shyamalan’s Next Movie To Be About Ladder Related Accidents

Voting Day

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When you vote on Tuesday, make the right decision. Cressbeckler 08.


Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain

Tampa Bay Rays Players Forced To Put Off Seasonal Employment With Unexpected Trip To World Series

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With their remarkable ascendancy to the top of the AL East and a stunning win over the Boston Red Sox in the ALCS, the Tampa Bay Rays are headed to the World Series for the first time in franchise history. And although it is a momentous occasion for the city, the Rays long history of losing has placed them in a rather comprising situation as the majority of their players have been forced to delay and in some cases cancel the seasonal jobs that they picked up in years past to combat their minuscule paychecks, which are on par with the payroll of an Arena football team or a poorly managed traveling circus.

Rays 1st Baseman Carlos Pena, who has worked in years past as a Santa Clause at shopping malls, was disappointed to hear that the season was going to be extended even further. “This is really big for us to make it to the World Series, it is, but I was looking forward to suiting up, putting on that fake beard and hearing what children want for Christmas,” he explained. “I also really needed that extra coin to buy presents for my own kids this year, so I don’t know what I’m going to do to make it up. Maybe I’ll sell some time shares between innings or something.”

Pitcher Matt Garza, who moonlights the holiday season as a Barnes and Noble bookstore clerk, also seemed a little bit perturbed from the World Series trip. “I worked up to assistant manager of the kid’s section, God Damnit. I knew where all the pop up books, Hardy Boys and Sweet Valley High books went and now they’re telling me that they’re giving my position away to some guy fresh out of community college because I have to pitch game 2 of the World Series? What the Hell?”

The Rays National League opponents, the Philadelphia Phillies, a franchise who can afford to pay their players without the use of coupons, good intentions and IOUs, spent their time with the media, talking about baseball related topics like how they planned on winning the World Series. When asked if he had a second job outside of baseball, Phillies short stop Jimmy Rollins looked somewhat confused before asking if showing up to receive million dollar endorsement checks from Gatorade, McDonalds and Wendy’s counted as a second job.

Rollins was then asked if he was considering getting a second job with the recession and stock market crashes in full swing, to which he told the media that he had not been hurt by any of the stock or house market declines because he has “Always kept the majority of his assets in gold bars stored above his house in a massive hot air balloon,” which Rollins referred to as a “Fool proof system of financial security.” Rollins then shouted “Gold bars in a hot air balloon, for life!” before exiting the locker room on his Platinum coated segway.

Editorial: I Have Traveled To The Distant Future!….But I Spent Most Of My Time At The Zoo

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While I was working in Professor Mertz’s lab this summer to earn some money for my causal addiction to recreational drugs, I happened to stumble upon this old machine under a dusty tarp. And as I was gathering some beakers to sell on ebay, I accidentally tripped over an inconveniently placed extension cord and activated the machine. Before I knew it, this brilliant blue light flashed in the room and suddenly, I was no longer in the lab. I was in the future! The whole incident reeked of the paper thin plot of an eighties teen comedy, but I assure you, this is how it went down.

I found myself in the year 2088, where I immediately noticed flying cars and some cool looking moon boots. This one dude had this boom box looking thing that he carried around that played music, but when the music came out of the speakers, it made cotton candy. It was awesome.

So, where are all my mementos from the future you ask? What are the winning lotto numbers and the World Series champions for the next eighty years? What future disasters will I be able to prevent because of my knowledge of the future? Well, bear with me on this one.

I’m not exactly an organized person to begin with. So, when I was barraged with moon boots, flying cars and cotton candy boom boxes, I was bound to forget to do things like pick up a paper, ask a local shop owner what has happened in the last century or collect any semblance of proof that I actually traveled to the future. Instead, I spent the majority of my time at this holography museum, hanging out at a futuristic arcade where you get to drive these really badass virtual go-karts and wandering around at the zoo. I went to the zoo mostly to see if they had any sweet mutant hybrid animals, but they didn’t.

Animals in the future are pretty much the same, except they just look a lot more depressed. Like the polar bear I saw, just laid on his stomach looking really overweight and made a lot of noises that sounded he was dying a little bit on the inside. And when I started following this pretty girl around the zebra pen, I was suddenly sent back to my own time, as my exploration of the future was apparently on some sort of timed circuit.

So look, let’s recap my defense. I’m the type of guy who forgets the small things like: court dates, graduations, meetings with my parole officer and days when I’m suppose to drive my mom to the hospital. I don’t really plan ahead. When a majority of your income is earned from doing odd jobs in a lab, selling stolen stuff on ebay and hustling kids at ski ball down by the pier, you don’t like to plan ahead, as it only makes you depressed.

And anyway, I think changing the past with information from the future is like bad according to movies. It’s likes crossing the streams in Ghostbusters. It’s one of them thingees, what do you call them? Paradoxes. Wouldn’t I have messed everything up? Like when I got back home there would be like dinosaurs rickshaws or something messed up going on? I dunno.

It also didn’t help that the time machine burned up on my return journey. It wasn’t one of those multi-use phone booth time machines like Keanu Reeves had, it was one of those one shot deals. So, all I can do now is give you a very vague and non-descript glimpse into the future. As I said before, there are some flying cars. Some of them are red, some not. I heard this one guy talking with a Russian accents, so apparently there are still Russians in the future. There didn’t appear to any signs that a Zombie Apocalypse had occurred or would occur in the near future. And…let me see… a lot of people had taken to carving lighting bolts in their hair, kind of like Vanilla Ice used to do, which to be honest, was a little outdated.

Wait —aw man — I should have totally looked up what happened to me. What the hell? Man, this blows. I feel like I got to the showcase in The Price is Right and totally overbid on my stuff. Or like I got one of those Toys R Us shopping sprees where you can dump anything you can find into a shopping cart, but I didn’t get back before the time limit and got disqualified. This sucks.

I’m going to go get high and watch reruns of Mad About You. Leave me alone to wallow in my own self pity…Man…I could have at least remembered to see how Lost ends. Damnit.

Editorial: It’s A Really Exciting Time To Be In Prison Right Now

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Seriously, I’m glad that I’m in prison. And I’m not just saying that because the state said that I can’t leave until I have served my time. Because if I were given early parole right now, I would tell them thanks, but no thanks. Living conditions in America right now are awful. Foreclosure on houses, mass unemployment, bankruptcy, incompetent world leaders, rising gas prices and political disarray. Every day I am here in prison, it just keeps looking better and better.

If I were still a law abiding citizen in the real world, I imagine right about now, my wife would be leaving me as I was being laid off from my whatever low level job her brother-in law would have hooked me up with. I wouldn’t be able to fill my gas tank and the stocks I worked so hard to invest in would be tumbling to inconsolable lows.

In reality, I managed to get off easy when my wife divorced me after my arrest and shortly thereafter, all my property was seized and auctioned off by the police. I didn’t even have to move anything. Seriously, try having your assets liquidated the next time your marriage fails. Best. Divorce. Ever.

And prison isn’t like it used to be in The Shawshank Redemption, where they beat you and make you do their taxes. It’s actually pretty cool now. I went to high school with a lot of the guards, so they’ll give me smokes and we joke about how they would have to shoot me if I tried to escape.

And all the talk of being forced to participate in unwilling sexual encounters with physically imposing men? Well, to be honest, I probably had more traumatic and homoerotic sexual experiences during my days at the Delta Kai house in my college days.

Prison really allots you a great deal of free time too. I’ve had a chance to reconnect with some of my favorite pastimes like: chess, writing short stories, cowering in dark corners, trading cigarettes for toothpaste and crying in the shower. If you can get over the fear of being shivved by that Russian you cheated in Spades the week before, prison is going to provide you with an amazing block of relaxing free time that you’re not going to find anywhere else.

I’ve even been able to pick up the wireless signal from the warden’s office and keep up on my blog Ellen Sampson: Don’t Go Near Her, which is dedicated to discrediting and not so subtly threatening people who are dating my now ex-wife. I have over 300 subscribers already.

It may be a depressing thought to some people that I am being treated better than most hard working Americans, but with a little bit of work, you can join in on this great time. All you have to is summon up the courage to commit some minor offense that will put you away for 5 - 10 years, which I figure will give you a fair chance of being released back into society when the country might be under some semblance of competent leadership. And if robbing a convenience store isn’t in the cards for you, why not try to get one of those kush sanitation jobs, where they pay you like $25 an hour and you get to frequently pull into alleys to take cat naps during work hours.

Either way, I hear them picking teams for Capture The Flag in the yard and since I’m the best flag guarder this prison has ever seen, so I’ve got to go. It’s up to you what you want to do, but don’t say I didn’t tell you about this amazing little tax loophole known as prison. This place isn’t shutting down anytime soon, but your window might be closing. Hurry!

And of course, God bless the penal system.

Editorial: Baby, Just Because I’m Illiterate, Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Know How To Read The Language Of Love

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That’s right. I see you checking me out from that table at the other side of the library. I know, it’s tough not to stare when you see such a fine physical specimen as myself. I bet you’re wondering all sorts of things about me, like, how do I manage to keep myself so toned? And why am I wearing a sleeveless shirt at the library?

Most of these answers could probably be traced to my rather bothersome status as a functionally literate male in America, which some people view as a “disability”, but I call a blessing in disguise. Because of my inability to process groupings of letters as coherent words or comprehendible ideas, I don’t have to waste precious time “reading” signs, “filling” out divorce papers or “paying” my bills. It is quite liberating to not be able to read, as it allows me unlimited time to work on my body. Frankly when you can’t read, there really isn’t much to do.

And I saw you hold up your spiral notebook with a message written on it for me, which I can only imagine was some sort of love note, but, baby, we’re just going to have to keep our flirtatious exchanges to simpler devices of communication like hand puppets, pictures or pie graphs.

I know you’re probably one of those “elitists” who say to themselves, “I’ll only date a guy if he knows how read, write and has a basic mastery of the English language,” which to me is pretty stuck up in my opinion and kind of racist, too. We’re living in the 20th Century, I think, it’s 2008, so that would make sense, but anyway, we’re in a day and age where alternative lifestyles are accepted. Buddhists marry Hindus, Republicans date Democrats and I see no reason why a person who can read wouldn’t mind settling down with a guy who can’t read subtitles, even if they’re in English.

And I know you probably have a million other questions for me like: Why does a twenty year old man still not know how to read? What am I doing at the library if I’m illiterate? How am I writing an editorial if I lack the ability to read or write? And why do I have a somewhat advanced vocabulary?”

These are all pertinent questions, which I will not answer for the sake of time and energy. So, how about we get past all these formalities and I take you mini-golfing?

Just remember, you have to keep score.

Lil’ O’Reilly

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Ha. Who volunteered their kid for this video? Ridiculous.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Editorial: Isn’t It About Time Someone Sent A Search Party Into the Woods To Look For Sandra Bullock?

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Look, I consider myself to be a fairly masculine man. As much as the next guy, I enjoy knives, exaggerating my workout regiment, shaking off mild heart attacks, chopping wood, beef, corned beef, taking off my shirt at PTA meetings when I’m drunk, pretending to be interested in historical events that didn’t involve a war and giving advice where it isn’t needed. So, although it pains me to ask, I have to know, what the hell happened to Sandra Bullock?

When someone of Sandra Bullock’s stature disappears for so long, I can only imagine it involved some scenario where she wandered into a forest of some kind, probably with large coniferous trees, got lost within the thick vegetation and over a gradual period of time, was forgotten, much like the fates of Crystal Pepsi, Betamax, Virtual Boy, Lawn Darts and third party candidates.

So, as a concerned citizen and closet Bullock fan, I have to step in and express my concern over her absence from movie multiplexes, because frankly the crop of Sandra Bullock clones that stepped into replace her have been less than satisfactory. Angelia Jolie is okay, but she definitely gives off that weird “I will totally sell your organs on the black market when you fall asleep” vibe. Kiera Knightley is in too many movies where she wears a bonnet or corset to be taken seriously. And Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon and all those others are just plain unsatisfactory for a plethora of reasons.

I have also considered the possibility that it is a lack of good material that has kept her away from Hollywood for so long. So, I have attempted to solve that problem by writing a rough draft for Demolition Man 2 during half time of the Bears game last week, which I plan on passing along to her whenever she emerges from her wilderness exile and readjusts to city life. The plot of the film would involve her going back in time with Sylvester Stallone to stop Wesley Snipes from assassinating former American Presidents. The title I’ve been throwing around is Demolition Man 2: President Killer.

So please Sandy, come back. No one has convincingly driven a bus with on a bomb on it while pretending to be interested in Keanu Reeves quite like you did. I will totally see Speed 3 in theaters and probably to a lesser extent, download a copy of The Lake House 2.

The ball is in your court, Bullock, make the right move.

Political Analysts Compare Sarah Palin’s Leadership Qualities To A Vending Machine

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Amidst discussions following the first Presidential debate and the upcoming Vice Presidential debate on Thursday night, experts took the time to access the qualifications of the candidates and their running mates through a series of comparisons.

The roundtable of political analysts compared Democratic candidate Barack Obama to a sprinter; young, athletic, virile and anxious to make his mark. Obama’s VP Joe Biden was equated to a badger; fierce and unwilling to back down on important issues. John McCain was paralleled with a redwood tree; stout, wise, and having a knack for survival. But when it came to Republican Vice President Sarah Palin’s qualifications, experts surprised when they drew a comparison of her to a vending machine.

“Some people might think our juxtaposition was a little harsh, but I think it’s pretty accurate. Because, really, whenever I see Sarah Palin, I think of vending machines. She’s shiny, attractive, wears glasses and most of all, I can see her dispensing Rice Krispies Treats to the hockey team in her kitchen,” CNN correspondent Ted Magill explained. “And to be honest, she knows as much about foreign policy, the economy and leadership as a vending machine does. Which is to say, if you were to ask her a question about Afghanistan, she might give you a bag of pretzels, smile and nod her head vacantly.”

And while there was some controversy raised over the nature of the comparison having sexist overtones, experts took the time to further defend their statement. “I just want to make sure that everyone knows that this is not a misogynistic judgment. Because if Hillary Clinton were running, I would probably compare her to an aggressive Lemur, overactive bull shark or any other species of wild animal that might scare me,” Fox News anchor Ted Robertson commented. “I mean, I like Sarah Palin and don’t wish any ill upon her, but I am uncomfortable with her in a leadership role. I would be fine if she were my kid’s principle or the likable manager of a box factory, but it keeps me up at night thinking that she could be in charge of things like when we go to war or whether or not it is legal for me to drink beer or not.”

While Palin continues to endure criticism for her credentials, there are reports that democrats have been coaching Senator Joe Biden, preparing him for the Vice Presidential debate against the vastly underqualified Palin, telling him to not “completely and wholly obliterate her in front of a live audience,” as that would raise sympathy for the Republican cause. Advisers have also suggested that the Senator should try to not be “mean” and that he should put about 30% of his collective effort into the debate.

Man Punches Shark To Save Dog

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This is a real news story. I guess this guy really loves his dog.

Amidst Country’s Massive Financial Failures, Forbes Magazine Names Crazy Homeless Guy “Man Of The Year”

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As the financial and housing markets continue to spiral into a state of unprecedented chaos, Forbes magazine unveiled a surprising choice for the cover of their “Financial Man of the Year Issue” when they extended the honor to Teddy Alpe.

Alpe, who is commonly known in the town of Fairfield, California where he resides, as the crazy guy homeless guy who lives in a cave, was called “a financial visionary” by the business magazine.

“Really, Teddy Alpe was ahead of his time,” Forbes editor Steve Paul explained. “I know a lot of people dismiss him as a crazy homeless guy who lives in a cave, where he hoards all of his worldly possessions, only leaving his domicile to travel into town to berate the locals with his fire and brimstone speeches and a large “The End is Near” sign, but we really recognize him as a forward thinker. His decision to roll his shopping cart into the hills and wait it out in that damp, dark shelter, shows an insight into the future collapse of the housing market and financial sectors that no one foresaw. And by keeping his assets locked in things like aluminum cans, discarded pizza boxes and old TV guides, he really demonstrated a commitment to stay away from all these banks and investment firms that are falling apart right now. He really is the Bill Gates of people living in caves.”

With his appearance on the cover of Forbes magazine, it appears that Alpe is already in heavy demand. It is rumored that Playboy aficionado Hugh Hefner has invited him to live in the Playboy Grotto as a permanent resident. Donald Trump has also extended him a generous invitation for relocating to Chicago to run the new Trump Towers. And while Alpe has all these great offers on the table, financial experts predict that he will shun these lucrative deals, choosing to live in the comfort of his cave, where he will continue to work the two hour work days generally associated with hippies and drifters.

New Poll Reveals Americans Fear Sharks Slightly More Than High Gas Prices

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For the second consecutive year, the fear of sharks topped the New York Post’s poll of What Americans Fear Most. The crippling fear of these large predatory fish nudged out a fear of high gas prices and a fear of having a favorite TV show canceled in the middle of the season, to garner the top spot.

The American public, which is starting to recover from a stifling, fear-based stagnation brought upon by an unnecessary and useless color coded threat system, is now experiencing a noticeable shift toward more practical and remedial fears for its people.

But the staying power of sharks cannot be ignored, as they have appeared on the top ten fear list for the past decade, a testament to the fear people harbor against sharks, even when a fear of more practical and plausible things like the rising unemployment rate, poverty and the destruction of the environment, would seem more appropriate.

“Sure, the economy is in an awful recession and I worry that any day I will lose my job, but nothing scares me more than the thought of a shark swimming into my pool and dragging my children away,” Madison, Wisconsin native Bill Buckner explained.

Buckner, who does not live anywhere near an Ocean or Aquarium that might house any species of sharks, still does not downplay the threat. “You simply cannot predict when a shark will attack, even when you live hundreds of miles from the ocean. They are unpredictable eating machines. It’s like that guy with glasses said in Jurassic Park said, ‘Life finds a way.”

And while some have argued that the poll being taken and released during the infamous Shark Week on the Discovery Channel may have tipped the fear scales in favor of sharks, the organizers of the poll study disagree, saying, “This study is not influenced by Shark Week, because that would make it incredibly subjective and irrelevant.”

Many who heard the issued statement did not see it as an argument for its objectivity, but more evidence toward the study being really biased and pointless. Regardless of differing opinions on the study, all sides agreed that even when it’s not Shark Week, sharks are still scary as hell, courtesy of reruns of Jaws on TBS and the extensive news coverage sharks get when they eat people.

Complete List for What Americans Fears Most:
1. Sharks
2. High Gas Prices
3. Having A Favorite TV Show Canceled Midseason
4. Not Having Their Music Understood By Friends
5. Being Struck By Lightning While Riding A Bike
6. Soccer
7. Awkward Situations
8. Subtitles
9. Cloning Dinosaurs From Crystallized Amber
10. (Tie) Terrorism/Coyotes